The Blues 

An old friend of mine gave me this years ago. It's not my original work. If someone knows who deserves credit for this, please let me know and I will append this post accordingly. It really hits my funny bone so I thought I should share with you. It's not a "story" but it's still entertaining.

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After decades of academic research, the following has emerged as a codification of the blues.

1.       Most Blues begin, "Woke up this morning."

2.       "I got a good woman," is a bad way to begin the Blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line: "I got a good woman with the meanest dog in town."

3.       The Blues are simple. After you have the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes ... sort of: "Got a good woman with the meanest dog in town.  He got teeth like Margaret Thatcher and he weigh 500 pound.: "

4.       The Blues are not about limitless choice.

5.       Blues cars are Chevys and Cadillacs. The Blues cannot travel in Volvos, BMWs, Toyotas, or any sport -utility vehicles.  Other acceptable Blues  transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train; jet aircraft and state-sponsored motor pools are out of the question.  Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle.  So does fixin' to die.

6.       Teenagers can't sing the Blues.  Adults sing the Blues.  Blues "adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

7.       You can have the Blues in New York City, but not in Hamilton, Ontario, or Vancouver B.C.  Hard times in Saskatchewan or Nova Scotia is just depression.  Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City are still the best places to have the Blues.

8.       The following colors do not belong in the blues:

• violet
• beige
• mauve

9.       You can't have the Blues in an office or a shopping mall.  The lighting is wrong.

10.    Good places for the Blues:

• the highway
• the jailhouse
• an empty bed

     Bad places:

• Ashrams
• gallery openings
• Ivy League institutions

11.    No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, unless you happen to be an old man, and you slept in it.

12.    Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, if:

• your first name is a southern state-like Georgia
• you're blind
• you shot a man in Memphis
• you can't be satisfied

     No, if:

• you were once blind but now can see
• you're deaf
• you have a retirement plan or trust fund

13.    Neither Celine Dion nor Anne Murray can sing the Blues.

14.    If you ask for water and Baby gives you gasoline, it's the Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are:

• wine
• whiskey or bourbon
• muddy water
• black coffee

      The following are NOT Blues beverages

•  any mixed drink
•  any wine kosher for Passover
•  Snapple (all flavors)

15.    If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die.  So is the electric chair, substance abuse, or being denied treatment in an emergency room. It is not a Blues death if you die during a golf tournament or while undergoing liposuction.

16.    Some Blues names for women :

• Sadie
• Big Mama
• Bessie

17.    Some Blues names for men:

• Joe
• Willie
• Little Willie
• Big Willie

18.    Other Blues names (starter kit):

• name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.)
• first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi, etc.)
• last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)

For example, Blind Lime Jefferson, or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc.

19.    Persons with names like Sierra, Sequoia, and Rainbow will not be permitted to sing the Blues no matter how many men they've shot in Memphis.