Unfollowers?

I have recently discovered that a few of my Facebook friends have decided that they no longer wish to see my posts in their feed. They have “unfollowed” me. Technically, we are still “friends”, but they just don’t really care about anything I have to say. Meanwhile, they are still keenly interested in my validating their every move with a “Like” or some kind of “attaboy!” comment.

I’ve been trying pretty hard to figure out what I have done to deserve this level of ignorance, but I am at a loss. I have, however, determined a pattern. All of the “unfollowers” are people who have political views that range from slightly to astronomically different from my own. This makes me sad. I treasure my friends with opposing viewpoints. They keep me honest. They challenge me when I stray too far from simple truth and into areas of emotional minefields. I learn from them. I hope they learn from me. In all cases, I am respectful of everyone’s opinion. I never name-call. I never belittle.

I went back through my posts. I found some with political content. I re-read them. I re-re-read them. I read the comments and discussions attached to them. I found no hate. I found no vitriol. I found no ardent support for one or the other divisive candidate. I did find some criticism of both candidates and one former president. None of this was hurled hatefully, but rather in response to a news article or posting by some other person. I also found some historical references that really didn’t take a side, but that sparked some lively conversation. In none of this, however, did I find any disgust, disrespect or even any overly sharp, unresolved disagreement.

All I can say is that it appears some of my associates cannot take even the slightest measure of disagreement without running for a “Safe Place” far away from my stinging monologues. (Tongue firmly in cheek.) I’ll say it again. This makes me sad.

I first joined Facebook years ago in response to an invitation from an old college buddy. I was thrilled to catch up with so many old friends from my past. Some were schoolmates. Some were colleagues. Some were family. It was all good. I celebrated with them when they shared their joys. I placed my virtual arms around them when they shared their grief. Facebook was a good place to be. I was among friends. All of that changed in 2016.

You might wonder how I know who has “unfollowed” me and what made me even think about it. It really hit home this past week. My family experienced a horrific tragedy. All of my relatives close to me huddled together to support one another – as families are supposed to do. I thought of my Facebook circle and craved the comfort of the friendship I have so often found there. I posted a few updates. Support poured in from dozens of really terrific people offering condolences, support and prayer. It was a good thing. But then something started to dawn on me. As I scrolled down the list of people who had reacted to my posts, a few names were conspicuous in their absence. There were names missing - names I had followed for years and cheered on when they got a new job, were given some kind of reward, had a child accomplish a milestone or garnered some kind of praise. There were names missing that I had whispered in my prayers so that they may receive divine comfort or blessings – names I numbered as blessings of my own as I counted them among my friends.

I told myself that I was being foolish. It’s ridiculous to think that every acquaintance will see every post I make on Facebook. It’s even more ridiculous to expect them to step up and chime in on every single event in my life. It is. It really is. I miss tons of them myself and hope my friends are not hurt by it. I’m not making that kind of point. With hopeful optimism I scanned down my timeline. With each entry I read, my heart sank. The same names were missing each and every time. No post had unanimous responses, of course. But, the same few names were among the missing going back months.

I then decided to look at the timelines belonging to the missing friends. Without fail, these were people who figuratively rain posts down onto Facebook and who must spend countless hours watching their notifications mount up. They are also the ones who appear countless times on other, mutual friends’ posts with gleeful contributions to conversation after conversation.

This kind of narcissism is not what Facebook is supposed to be about – at least not for me. It began as a wonderful place for me to share a laugh, share a cry, and share the moments of my life with people I care about. Yeah – I sometimes brag about my kids on Facebook. I sometimes rejoice at my own accomplishments. I sometimes even have an opinion about something. I expect my friends to do the same. This is not the only thing that defines a friendship, but it certainly is a cornerstone. People who only want a one-sided friendship are being victimized by their own selfishness and insecurity. I feel sorry for them – but I don’t need them in my Facebook circle.

So – for those of you who still bother to keep up with what I am doing and what happens to me, thank you. If you should get the urge to “unfollow” me because of something I posted, here’s an idea. Talk to me about it. Imagine that! If your feelings are just too hurt to open that dialog, do me a favor. Don’t “unfollow” me. Just drop me altogether.