Fog

There’s a light fog hanging in the Tennessee Valley this morning. I’ve always thought that fog is just clouds that lack ambition. Slackers.

The fog has put me into a bit of a funk this morning. If you’re going to read the rest of this post and you have some anti-depressants handy, you might want to wolf down a handful. It takes a while for them to do their thing so I’ll pause here for a bit to give you time to prepare. (I hope you understand that’s my feeble attempt at humor. Don’t OD on Zoloft or Prozac or something. That would be stupid. Besides, I think chocolate can do the same thing. Maybe pound down one of those half pound Hershey bars instead.)

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Back already? OK. Here’s where I’ll start with this. My wife thinks I’m bipolar. She may be right. I do have wild mood swings. I can be really down one day and upbeat the next. That’s fairly classic bipolar disorder symptoms I think. I’m no doctor, but I’m not sure the answer is that simple. I think that what is going on is that there is a part of me that still thinks I’m a kid. I had a great time as a kid. I grew up in a loving family atmosphere. I had lots of friends. I had a big yard to play in. We were far from rich, but I never went hungry. It was a good time. I was comfortable there and I guess I try to cling to it a bit.

That kid in me, however, has to make room for the adult to take care of the necessities of being a responsible spouse and parent. It doesn’t want to share the limited real estate in my mind with boring stuff like work and paying bills. Yuck! Let’s play! Oh, wait. Other people are depending on me. Family, co-workers and friends all have a stake in me fulfilling my responsibilities. Since I’m not a monster or a sociopath, I actually care about that sort of thing. Uh-oh. Conflict. Usually, when I get to this point, I can successfully tell The Kid to go take a nap and let the adult work. Sometimes The Kid persists and has to be sent to “time out” for a while. In other words I have to kind of preach to myself a bit to get my priorities realigned.

The real trouble comes when the adult work piles up to the overwhelming point and then gets aggravated by a healthy (or unhealthy) dose of external stress. Back in 2005, my family lost my mother and my sister within a 6 month span of time. I just about lost it. Ask my wife. The details of that story will have to wait for another time, but suffice to say that The Kid came running and screaming from his corner of my psyche and demanded to take the wheel. The Adult could not let it go. It was a crisis time in the family and it was time for adult discussions and adult emotions. It was no time for play. My faith – which is a primary tool for managing The Kid – took a serious beating and got weak. My sense of responsibility – which is essential for keeping my priorities straight – strained at the leash and tried desperately to flee. Amid the grief and without the strength of faith, responsibility couldn’t see its value in the situation. The result of all of this was a pretty deep and dark depression that just about wrecked me. It’s still there. Those wounds never fully healed and they flare up from time to time. I have to let The Kid loose every now and then to keep my sanity. I can’t let him run amuck. If I do, he will try to drag me back to the past with his promises of comfort and freedom from responsibilities. It’s a tempting offer, but it’s one that can never be delivered. And after all, I really don’t want to go back there to where The Kid is from.

Wow! That was harder to write than I thought it would be. The Kid is very compelling.

The key is this… The Kid is a part of who I am now, but everything that has occurred between when he came on the scene and the arrival of The Adult has resulted in the total person – complete with all of the good things and all of the bad things that have developed along the way. If I were still “under the table and dreaming” as Dave Matthews put it I would be blissfully content, but I would not have all of the good things that I have today. I have a loving wife of 22 years and counting. I have two beautiful daughters who love me unconditionally and without restraint. Those are things that are far more valuable that any dream I could have concocted as a child.

I have to think that I am not alone in this. When things get rough in your personal life or work life or wherever, it’s very easy to drift off into the past and summon The Kid. That’s OK. Let him play. Just make sure he’s not taking over entirely. He’s a kid. He’s irresponsible and will drag you into a pool of manufactured regret and depression. When he starts to do that, it’s time for another “time out”.

Count your blessings. Life itself is a blessing. Look around you. Even though you may have had a bumpy ride in this life, you still get to live. There are good things to find. Yes – the bills are staring you the face. Yes – you are getting older and parts of you are wearing out. Yes – your job can be oppressive at times. Yes – people have done you wrong from time to time. Yes – you have suffered loss and experienced grief. Welcome to humanity. We’re all in this together.

Focus on the good things – the rewards of living.

If you have children, hug them and tell them you love them every single day. Say it like you mean it, too. When you child hugs you back and tells you that she/he loves you too, drink it in like a warm cup of cocoa. There’s nothing like it for me.

If you have a job you love, relish in the satisfaction of a job well done. Be proud that you are making a difference. Strive for excellence. Be the best “whatever you are” that there is and be happy that you have the skills and experience to do it.

If you have a talent for speaking, writing, making music or interacting with your fellow human beings in other ways, take pride in the fact that you are making life better for those around you. That sort of thing is very fulfilling.

If you have good friends or a spouse, be thankful that they are there to share in your joys and listen to your heartaches.

If you have none of these things, I am sure that there are other blessings you have been given that you might be taking for granted. Sometimes you just have to stop and count them.

Whatever your blessings may be, acknowledge your Creator as the giver and understand that the path you have taken in your life has led you to where you are today. Even if you think the bad things in your life have outweighed the good, remember that there’s always one more bend in the road. Who knows what good things await? (I’m not Pollyanna. I do realize there may be a roofing nail in the road around that corner just waiting to relieve one of your tires of its air, but there will be good as well.)

Thanks for listening. Maybe this should be “Uncle Tilmer’s Self-Therapy Hour”. Oh. And by the way – if you see The Kid, tell him there’s a birthday slumber party at my house tonight. He’s welcome to come and join the fun.